I don't write many blogs. I think it might have been alluring to me at one time, but it seems to have fizzled out since I no longer have a computer. The idea of having many people that don't know me (and maybe never cared to) see my innermost thoughts is quite terrifying. That is, if something like that scares you. And for most people, it does. That's why so many blogs are about .....um...crap. I wonder why those people waste their time. But fear is just another lovely part of life. A lot of people know already, but I got in a pretty terrible accident on the highway Saturday night. I flipped my car 2 (3? 5?) times, which injured the passenger, though I am fine physically. My car is totaled, I might not get a new one, and frankly, I am just so exhausted and tired of talking about it that I don't really know why I am now. I guess I never thought about how much stress it really puts on your body, whether you have any battle wounds or not. I just know that so many people that I hardly know have reached out to me, and I don't know how to repay them. The amount of people that have responded to this accident is amazing. I think it just makes me realize how much I miss human interaction, since I am not very good at it most times. I live alone in my little apartment, away from the world. It is a fortress, a resting place where I can clear my head. From working 35 hours a week and going to school 9, this activity is a necessity. It has never been somethign I wanted to attempt, and I never said it wouldn't be difficult. But I long ago accepted how I must get by for now, and was fully prepared to tackle it. It seems that directly after the darkest hour the dawn does come indeed. You know when people say things like, "toughen up, you'll get through this," or "you're strong, just try not to think about it."? Well, I think that is bullshit. I believe that people should be allowed to grieve, and be allowed to need love, because what are we if not human and responsive? And dare I say sensitive? If the world spins solely on money and personal progress, I don't want to live here. From a young age, I was always encouraged to be open with my feelings. Hell, I guess I was never conditioned that way- it just came naturally to me. It will never cease to amaze me that the change from this young, naive kind of "openness" to the complete opposite while growing up is inevitable. We are all so young at once, and so soluble, that I cannot imagine that any other way of living is correct. And I truly believe that everyone should try their best to keep that within them, however hidden or small it may be. I have created a policy for myself that includes never initiating any kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think it is a good policy, but it has only been for my protection There is only so far I will go before feeling like I am reaching for the other person, and not quite getting them, which is when I must simply cut my losses. But what happens when that is all you ever do? I may not know you, but I love you. I know that. And it's strange, because at times I feel as if I give off the impression that I am cold. Believe me, it is just my line of defense. Some people don't want anyone's love. Some people don't know what it means to feel that. And some people need it so bad that they're just pathetic. I think I'm going to love them anyway. | 
